It's depressing.

Just a sum of my life at the present moment:

- I am single yet again, but happier.
- I am stressed out from school, as normal.
- I need to sign up for the SATs.
- I got a job at Red Robin as a Hostess.
- It cost me $10.50 to send out Christmas gifts to 3 people.
- I need to study for my Red Robin training
- I'm actually caught up on reading in English.
- My room looks as if a bomb exploded in it.
- IT IS CHRISTMAS/NEW YEARS VACATION, thank god.
- I have a new sort of, kind of new crush, gayyyyyyyyy.
- Mixed signals can choke themselves and be flushed down the toilet.
- I find myself more philosophical lately, maybe it's just a phase.
- I lost my top retainer, what ever shall I do?
- The Twilight craze is getting annoying.
- I want to lost 20 pounds, what else is new?
- I'm done here.


The end.

I wish I could befriend Father Time.  He could warp my life where I can slow down things enough for me to gather my thoughts, since they seem to be scattered all over the place by now, or speed things up enough for me to pack my bags and scadoodle on out of situations before they get bad.  But you know, God likes to make you suffer through times like this, since they "teach you life lessons."  Yeah, I know they teach me life lessons, but damn they get on my nerves.

I was researching my dream colleges and their majors today, and I've discovered that my interest was sparked when I read up on Humanities.  Part of me wanted to smack my hand, "bad Sammi" because I already had everything planned out; journalism major, with courses in international studies and a career for CNN.  And now, Humanities?  I can do both can't I?  Of course I can, I'm Sammi :). 

Anyways, it got me thinking...again (uh oh!).  I must think more than the average teenager.  Maybe that's why they put me in honors/AP classes, because I'm not exactly smart but I think enough to question everything.  I love my curious nature, but sometimes I envy the normal, over-dramatic-over-boys teenage girls.  You know, the ones that don't seem to worry about anything other than their current boyfriend.  But no, I'm nothing like them.  Even at the age of 15, I was feeling and experiencing feelings similar to those adults feel...I think.  I am pretty sure my life runs on maximum anyways.  When I feel compassionate towards something, I really feel compassionate towards it; whether it's a person, organization, book, etc.  My brain cranks haywire twenty-four-seven...and I'm not exactly sure if that's a good thing.  It makes me over generalize all my feelings and everything that I feel my intelligence, unless, of course, I'm entirely too lazy to think about it at the moment.  Then I question myself, if my brain is always turning, why do I forget so much?  Why am I afraid of the simplist things in life?  Oh who knows.  Maybe I'll find out myself one day.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  My life runs on maybes, never certain of one simple factor....which sucks.

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY.



I need to learn to keep my priorities straight.  I wish things weren't so complicated for me, IN EVERYTHING.



UGH, I am so caught up in things I can't even untangle myself enough to write them out.

Isn't there some legend saying that a tea leaf will predict your future?  Now, one of those would be quite handy right now.  At this very moment, minute, second, in time, I want to know nothing more than my future.  I want to make sure that all my excessive hard work will pay off.  Is my hard work truly hard work, or is it just harder for me because I have a social life?  I swear, the ridiculous questions that haunt me daily and fill my mind are enough to make my head explode like the kids on the Airhead commercials!

I feel like I take on too much for myself, but not enough for everyone else.  Almost everything I do relates to how it would help me with college.  School: good grades for college.  Work: life experience for college.  Cheer Coach: volunteer work for college.  I've even narrowed it down to my involvement with Invisible Children being related to helping me with college.  I do so much yet feel so worthless.  All I want to know is, do I succeed?  Do I end up living my life how I want?  With whom I want to live it with...?  Does everything work out in the end?

My God, the questions I have with the answers to come.  I'm more nervous than a kid before the SATs...but I can only imagine how I'm going to be when that comes around.  Sheeeeesh.

Augustana has undoubtably been on repeat today.  As I listen to the song 'Boston', I remember my desperate wishes to leave this place, this town, this state.  The longing to be out of here, gone, away from everything.  While I grew out of the stage, the feeling has been tugging at my sleeve lately.  I know I'm not ready to leave, for good at least, but right now I am certain that some time away from here would do me good.  I wont deny it, the summer was amazing; yet, for some reason, it ended on a bad note...a pretty bad note.  Rejection, mistakes, exhaustion.  The times I had set aside for a good time turned out terribly and didn't fail to make me bitter.  This feeling is one I hate more than anything, one I don't feel often.  Sadness is common in everyday life, but this dismal and gloomy ache has me so down that all I feel like doing is sleeping.

School is tougher than it ever has been, and it has only begun; yet all I feel like doing is homework and sleeping.  There are only two people that I can talk or vent to, that actually feel like listening.  Those two people are probably two of the most important people in my life, and yet I'm forced to stay away from them for too long at a time.  Who knows, I am probably over reacting, since most of my emotions come with a childlike reaction, but I feel like I've been taken for granted lately.  One person in particular, I just feel as if I'm not needed anymore.  I am there for them to rant to, I am there to comfort said person.  But I am good for nothing else.  I miss when this person would want to chill with me rather then go out and hook up or get drunk.  Sure, it's fun, but it's not needed every weekend.  I thought that I would be best friends with this person for a long time, but now it seems like she's growing tired of me.  Please, don't toss me aside like a piece of trash.  I'm not sure, maybe this is a stage.  Maybe I did something wrong.  I just hate being clueless and out of the loop.  Maybe I'm over reacting...no I know I'm over reacting.  Oh well.

I want out so bad.  California is a summer place, I can't take it year-round.  I know I'll change my mind next week when everything is fine again, but for now I am awaiting my out-of-state college days.  I am tired of my emotions, and the rollercoaster they send me on.  I am tired of the emotional attachment I make to people that let me down.  I am tired of being rejected, and feeling so lonely all the time.  But most of all, I am tired of this town and I need out...even if it's just for a few days.  A vacation sounds so good right now, why does it have to be to be the worst timing available?

As of this very moment, it is 24 minutes until my very last day of summer starts.  I can't deny it, I'm bummed out about the fact.  It means I have to go back to stressing about school, as I already started doing (stupid incomplete summer assignments!).  It means that I wont see my Rage friends as often due to outrageous gas prices, lack of a current and steady job, and constantly filled up time slots in my daily planner.  Also it means that I will be jam packed with stuff to do, rather than freely floating through my days with nothing but work to worry about.  Summer really paid off this year, I had a good time.  I learned more about myself and more about people in general.  I made mistakes, naturally, and learned from them no matter how painfully they shook me afterwards.  Using those mistakes allow me to learn and mature, and that's what growing up is all about right?

Of course I'm going to miss the random hangouts, crazy parties, missing curfew, and never coming home the most.  They always seem more fun during the summer.  I'm going to miss the people I met that I wont see as often, and constantly driving the freeway (except when there's traffic).  I wish I could be more analogical with my descriptions, but the only way to describe this feeling is to just say it bluntly: it sucks.  I don't want summer to end, and I don't want to start school.  While so many people are telling me they miss their home friends and they're happy to go back to school just to have something to do, I'm so completely unhappy to be going back.  Unhappy, nervous, stressed, etc.  It's not a nice feeling.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up and make the best of it though...oh well.

'Til then,
TTFN - Ta Ta For Now. 



(anyone else miss the old shit like Winnie the Poo?!)

As my previous journal states, my summer has been that in which you may see in a corny teenage movie comedy and/or drama.  Minus my small infraction called a curfew, the summer has been pretty much ridiculously awesome, to put it simply.  Just a little tiny taste of what I'm talking about, my summer has consisted of all of the following...and much more:

Sleeping in the back of a truck in the mountains until 1am with 4 other people.  Sitting in parking lots (normally Taco Bell or In and Out) for hours on end doing absolutely nothing.  Meeting a million new people, and feeling close to them almost instantly.  New best friends.  Guarding people's lives at So Cal's biggest water park muhahahahaha ;).  Teasing my bosses.  Silly crushes and stupid mistakes.  Being accused of being a drug addict, when I'm completely sober.  Crazy parties, some good and some bad.  Being thrown into the ocean...fully clothed and walking around in wet jeans for 3 hours.  Rarely ever being home.  Road rage in my little mustang.  Wasting my money on gas.  Golden Spooooon!  RAGE RAGE RAGE, grrrr.  Drama up the heezy.  Not giving a fuck about anything.   Staying out too late for my own good.  Getting away from everything that worries me just to have fun. 

Life is good.  "It’s all about where you choose to put your attention, and I choose to be happy."  I believe if the people of this world choose to think with an open mind, as I try to most of the time, they would be a lot happier than they are.  Worries are worries, change them if you can but don't dwell too much.  We've got one life, one chance; enjoy what you have while you have it.

To anyone who reads my pointless ramble, have a good summer and have fun.

I don't even think I can find the words to describe my life at this moment in time.  Most would just say 'it's amazing'.  Negative.  It's more than amazing, legit.  While most of my summer so far has consisted of working at Rage, I'm no longer spending my summer just sitting on my damn couch and getting fat.  I'm out, I'm working, or I'm with my friends.  Nothing could top the natural high I currently have.  My happiness is only merely interrupted in small intervals.  Gahhh, I love it.

I believe this is one of the first days I've even been home, and I was still hiking this morning.  I'm always hiking, working, at the beach, at a party, or with my friends.  I loooove being a teenager.  This is the kind of summer kids always dream of, and I finally have it. SOOO amazing.

Even better, The Maine's new song "We All Roll Along" is quite possibly the story of my summer.  The new album is sooo good, but that song just makes it all worth while.  I'm so happy I don't even know what else to write.  I guess I should get off my happiness high and start reading for my honors English class, hahahaha.

I'm alive and grateful for it :). THE STORY OF MY SUMMMMMER

The Maine "We All Roll Along"

I remember every night we spent on weekends with good friends
We did nothing but it seems like we did so much, back then
Oh back then we were kicking, laughing
All relaxing and taking things for granted
We did anything for just that little rush (oh yeah)

Just don't forget this
We wont regret this
We've got once change to get it right

We're alive and we drive to the center of it
Where we know we're all fine and this just can't be it
And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long
So tonight's the night, we all roll along

Oh back to it for a cigarette
And no we can't forget
All of the faces that we've met
81, 23 means everything to me
Take me back to the parking lots
The sleep we fought
And all the places we got caught
This place will always be a part of me
Yeah you're all apart of me

Just don't forget this
We wont regret this
We've got once change to get it right

We're alive and we drive to the center of it
Where we know we're all fine and this just can't be it
And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long
So tonight's the night, we all roll along

I remember every day that I spend dreaming of leaving
This place behind, I would run away from thinking
Adding up all the days been wasted
Chasing the girls we hated
Some things they, they never change
Take me back to the sleepless nights and the stupid fights
You know, it never mattered who was wrong or who was right
And now you're all apart of me

We're alive and we drive to the center of it
Where we know we're all fine and this just can't be it
And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long
So tonight's the night, we all roll along

Last night I let my guard down.  All it takes is one second, and the whole fleet will invade my fortress.  I've built myself up so tough to keep emotion on a minimum.  To make sure I'm not worked up over the most simple of mistakes, and the minute my army makes a mistake, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of emotion that no one would know how to cope with.  I allowed the little things that are wrong in my life to crawl into my skin like a tick, and eat away at me like the worst disease.  In no means am I unhappy with my life, my family, or my friends, but we all know nothing is perfect.  Everyone has a soft spot, and mine is just too easily found.  I feel as if it has some huge red sign saying "BULLSEYE!".  In other words, last night I let the wrong emotion flow within my veins, but it only took a night and some medication to allow my emotional immune system to kick in.  In the midst of all this 'doctor' talk, there is a meaning: don't let simple down points in life take over. 

If you know me, I'm generally a nice person.  I am much more optimistic than I was previously, and my fundamental outlook on life is that I've got a glass half full.  Yet, sometimes you can never escape those hours, days, weeks, or even months that have you unknowingly depressed or sad.  All I can hope is that you have the same or similar mentality as I do, because in the end I'll always be happy.

When I go through times like that, the only thing I pull out is my notebook.  I read through previous pages and write more if I want too.  Oh, and I never let anyone read this, so feel special.  I wrote this a while ago, when my writing was possibly even more terrible than it is now :).  And it's this mindset that pulls me out of any slump I've ever been in!

Life has not been created with an immunity from everything, and one cannot be strong enough to withstand even the most simple emotions.  I know that I have one of the strongest mindsets of anyone I have met, and my exterior is tough and indestructible...most of the time.  Over the years, I've let the insults and the trash talk aimed at me build up my suit of armor.  I've plunged into the deep melancholy of preteen friends who "turned their backs" or minor family issues that I chose to blow way out of proportion; yet I always managed to scramble my way out of each situation before it got dangerous, like a lucky deer in headlights.  However, none of this would have prepared me for what I faced the day I spoke to you.  I hate you with all my soul, but I love you with all my heart.  Wring me like a rag, for that's all I am to you.  I am very aware that I deserve more, so why can't I give up already?

Even the strongest of human being's has an Achilles Heal, a weakness that can never be healed.  For me, it's my heart.  I care too much, I fall too easily.  The day you left, you lost more than you could ever regain.  I was washed in the lies and salty tears of the bond every teenage girl seeks but secretly knows is too perfect to be true.  You of all people should have realized that I am not the type of girl to say 'I love you' if I did not truly mean it.  Every part of my body ached from the disappointment that wrecked through my veins.  All I want is reconciliation and rehabilitation of what we had, though I knew, and still know to this day, that it will never be achieved.  Yet there is still that little voice in the back of my head that will be saying "maybe" in repetition every time you cross my mind.  I'm essentially a selfish person, and I like the warm, at-home feeling false hope leaves me, even in the dusty remains of my run-over self after the truth plows me over.

I am still waiting for the day that I can say, with all honesty, "I'm over being in love with you."  I may be strong, but I am young, and it is that fact that allows me to fall victim to hopelessness.  Though I will never be over what you did to me, the lies you fed me, and the hope you installed in me, only to destroy completely, I am fundamentally a forgiving person.  While I wait for the small flame in the back of my head that burns 'maybe' into my mind daily to be extinguished, I am left with no other choice but to learn from the past.  This will only make me stronger, no matter how weak I feel because of it.  Maybe...that flame will never go away.  Maybe I will need to grow immune.  Maybe I shall revise the rules of human emotions, and learn to deal with the painful truth: I love you (& I hate your guts).